I've played my violin outside of grocery stores since I was about 18 or 19 to fund my travels. It's always an experience because most people haven't had much exposure to classical music or instruments and the comment I get most often is "Wow, that's the instrument that they were playing as the Titanic was sinking right? I saw the movie!" I just nod and smile. I've had people sit next to me on the windowsill and just listen with their eyes closed, soaking in the music. Often there are song requests. Occasionally I'll get the mother asking how her child can begin lessons. Sometimes people ask if I'll play for their dinner party or wedding. One middle-aged man with a long, grey, curling ponytail told me almost confidentally that he was a massage therapist and he'd love to have me play for his "couple's massage" special on Valentine's Day.
Ew.
Today however was something different. As I was playing, a short woman in a faded flower-print dress suddenly appeared beside me. I had been looking the other direction and hadn't noticed her come over. She looked to be about 55 or 60. Her short, dark curly hair was greying on the sides and her dark eyes were expressive.
She carried a faded handbag which she opened as she asked if she could leave a five and take three ones. Her accent was so thick that I could barely tell what she was saying at first. I nodded then stopped playing as she then asked what I was going to use the money for. I had barely gotten the word "India" out when she threw all the money in her hand back into my case.
"You go!" she said forcefully. "I vanted to see the verld vhen I vas young but I came here and got distracted by life. So you go and see the verld."
I asked where she was from and she shook her head at the question, then paused momentarily as she peered closely at me.
"And you vemember that ve are all human ok? No matter vat de outside, ve are all human."
I nodded, slightly stunned by her outburst. She stoped talking for a moment and looked deep in thought before speaking again.
"You know vat it is that chanches the verld?"
She charged ahead not waiting for a response.
"Forgifness. Too many people hold hurts in their heart and tey hafe no love. They cannot grow because they cannot forgife. You remember tat inside and tell everyone ok? Forgife, forgife, forgife"
She closed her handbag and turned to talk away suddenly then stopped and looked back at me
"And you hug tem. People are afraid to be loved. You hug tem and tell them forgifness."
Then she asked my name and said goodbye before turning and walking briskly away without looking back.
All day her words have bounced in my head. I have no idea where she is from or even her name. But this morning before I came to the grocery store I was talking with a friend about someone who has hurt me so deeply that I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive them. And then a few hours later a woman walks up to me and tells me that I can't grow if I can't forgive. Which is an extremely hard pill to swallow when all I've been asking God to do in my life lately is to grow me.
On top of that, this Fall I am headed to India as a team leader to six amazing girls in the Real Life department. We will be interacting with women who have come out of the sex trade and will probably will find forgiveness almost impossible to give or recieve because of what they have been through. They will need both hugs and forgiveness. Just like she said.
Her words resonated because in less than two minutes, that tiny woman told me what God has been trying to get across to me for months. I knew it inside, but didn't want to believe it. So God sent her.
I'm pretty sure I met an angel today.
(in spite of all my grocery-store-violin-playing I am still in need of $900. before I am fully funded for my trip to India. If you would like to help, go HERE)
I'm sitting outside right now on the porch. There's a slight chill in the air. Enough to make me wear my jacket and wish I had a feather quilt to wrap in. In the distance the sound of cars on the highway intrigues me. Its past midnight and I should be in bed because I'm entirely exhausted. But I couldn't sleep even if I was trying to. I'm remembering the month of February.
It was our first day in Uganda, we had taken an overnight bus from Kenya and nobody had slept. We were fairly seasoned travelers at that point having spent a six months in six other countries. Arriving in Kampala with no idea of where we were supposed to go, we felt fairly confident that we could figure things out. We only had our contact's name to go off of and he was supposed to meet us at the bus station. The plan seemed very structured in my head but as we stepped off the bus I realized we were in a place unlike any we had been to before. People were yelling at us. Screaming and shouting. Trying to grab our bags, and get us to take their taxi. We saw a man holding a baby off to the side so my teammate approached him and asked if he was Dale. The man told him yes so we loaded up and began to follow him through the streets.
To make a long story story short, we realized the man we were following wasn't our contact after he led us through alleyways, up and down stairs, and through back roads, till we finally ended up at another bus station. This one worse than the first with the amount of people screaming and touching us. In trying to figure out where we were, my team leader got pushed against a car and pickpocketed from. It took us probably 40 minutes to finally get ahold of our contact, but it felt like hours. He picked us up and brought us to the hostel where we crashed. Utterly emotionally and physically exhausted.
That night, we decided to have worship outside as a team. As we were singing, several Ugandans came over and began to sing with us. After worship we started talking with them. Leo explained to me that they were a part of a non-profit organization called Invisible Children and they were heading to get visas to go to the US the following day. They would be touring the country sharing their story of living through the war. I had never heard of Invisible Children before and was entirely intrigued. We ended the night our praying for them to all get visas as they weren't sure how that process was going to go. Then we said our goodbyes and went to bed.
The next morning we left without seeing our friends and continued our journey with another day-long African bus ride. The month we spent in Pader without electricity or running water was arguably one of the hardest months of my life yet one of the most rewarding. I met a woman who, on her own, opened a school where over 60 girls who were abducted as children then forced to become ''wives'' to rebel commanders live. They get education as well as trauma counseling and support. I was asked by a Ugandan mother to name her baby. I saw firsthand the tremendous impact the war has left on the people of Northern Uganda. I saw how the people live just barely surviving each day. I was at a meeting of Pader leaders, NGO leaders, and local area ministers that addressed the issue of dependence by Ugandans upon NGO's and some other aid groups, and what the community should do about it. I helped teach a creative writing class to several students in a mud room. One of the moments in my life I will never forget of the sun shining through the open window making patterns on the dirt floor. I was the sickest I've ever been in my life when I got malaria and typhoid. I washed my clothes by hand with half the women of the village at borehole water supply and they laughed at my attempt to carry water on my head like they did. We worshiper, prayed and sang with the villagers. Through it all, I saw the spirit of the people of Northern Uganda and their will to survive. I knew I had to tell other people about what I saw and experienced, I had to get involved in helping Northern Uganda in some way.
When we got Internet next, one of the first things I did was to look up Invisible Children and see what they did. I had heard glowing reports from the Ugandan's themselves and wanted to see what the website had to say. Several of my teammates knew more about IC and were able to give me more information. I looked up the roadie position which sends teams across the US to hold screenings that raise awareness about the war. I applied online while in Vietnam, and did skype interviews from Cambodia.
Somehow I got the position and ended up in San Diego a few short weeks after getting back in the US. Since being here I've had to learn a lot. Since I wasn't super familiar with IC and had never even been to a screening I felt like I was behind 99% of my teammates coming out of the gate. But nothing prepared me for this morning when I started talking with some of the Ugandans that got here a few days to travel the US with us and tell their stories of living through the war. It had been a long time, but I thought that one of them looked like the person I had been talking to that night in Uganda. Turns out, it was.
Leo is here again in the US for his second tour. I wouldn't be where I am if we hadn't both happened to be at the hotel in Kampala for the same one night. If we hadn't decided to have worship outside, if we had decided to go straight to Pader. There are so many things that could have stopped our meeting. Add to that the fact that my Texas tour advocate is Francis, who has been mentored by Leo for the past three years and you'll understand why my mind is blown.
Life is sometimes entirely too ridiculous, but then there are these beautiful moments in which you can see the hand of God working in such a powerful way. I know this is where I am supposed to be. Sitting on this porch freezing cold yet surrounded by people that love me and daily marveling at the beauty of life that is given to us.
I've had this blog written out in my journal about our last ministry month for quite a while, and now that its 2am, I've got time to finally type it out! ;)
All year I wasn't at all looking forward to our last month in Thailand. Our squad was split guys/girls and I was secretly hoping ministry would fall through cause I was pretty sure I wasn't going to learn anything amazing or grand working with the bar girls in Thailand's "red light" district, or being with our girls all month.
I was so incredibly wrong.
The first night we went out, I was nervous. Brandy and I prayed before-hand and she reminded me that God will never out me into a situation where he doesn't also give the tools and grace to deal with whatever is going on. By the second conversation that night everything was going great. I was really enjoying getting to talk to the girls and hear their stories. And when we went back to where we were staying that night I was so completely excited about our month and what God was going to do. Every night after that, God took away my nervousness and I was genuinely excited to see the women.
When we showed up each night at about 9:30pm, the party-like atmosphere on Bangla Road was just getting warmed up. Neon lights, loud music, and people trying to sell you everything imaginable. One of the things I noticed was a large Buddhist statue at the end of a sidestreet. The women would come in at the beginning of their night, heavy makeup, clothes too tight and too short. They would go to the statue first, take their heels off, light incense, and pray before heading to their bar for the night. I asked one girl what she prayed for. "For good money," she told me, "and a good man who will love and take care of me."
It was easy to pass judgement on the men there and get angry, but I realized that the cries of the men and women of that place were the same. It's not only the women of that place who need help, it's the men too. And that's not something I thought I would ever say about any man in that sort of situation, but both want to be loved and cared about, the enemy just has them looking up dead end streets...sure that the next woman will bring them contentment, or that the next man will truly love them.
The enemy is in the business of cheap imitation, and he is good at what he does.
I remember reading in C.S. Lewis' "Screwtape Letters" how Screwtape tells Wormwood that the best way to get us (humans) to believe a lie, is to put a little truth in it. And from what I've seen of life in my short 24 years, its true. Throw a straight lie at us, and most of us can see it for what it is. But mix a little truth in, and the concoction becomes deadly. The truth that satan uses in this lie is that we as humans need other people in our lives, and we are made for relationship. Both of those are true, but God created us not only to depend upon each other, but ultimately to crave a lasting and holy relationship with Him.
Bangla Road was the ultimate deception of satan played out right in front of me each night. Our contact told us that the suicide rate among single foreign men there was unsually high.
People are craving good things, but looking in all the wrong places.
I feel like a lot of this year was about God giving me a "holy" pair of sunglasses of sorts. He's taken the time to patiently work through my insecurities in life and change my viewpoint completely. There are days when I'm stubborn and don't want to choose to see the world the way He does because its so much easier to sit back in all my "righteousness" and pass judgment on those around me, than it is to put on my "glasses" and see others through the eyes of Christ.
Of all the girls I talked to night after night, I met only one who didn't send most of the money she made to her parents. And that woman was strictly a bartender. In Thai culture, when parents can no longer provide for themselves, their children step in and provide. This arrangement, more often than not, falls on the shoulders of their girls. Only in very rare instances do the men provide for their parents. When I tried to question this way of thinking the women became almost defensive telling me that "its just the way Thai culture works."
When I asked if they liked their jobs, 100% of the women I posed the question to said no. One woman who spoke English fluently asked me, "Do you really think we like doing this? Selling our bodies night after night? Of course not. Nobody likes it, but we have to live and provide for our families." Then she shrugged as if accepting her fate.
Her story was almost carbon-copy for every woman I talked with. Jom has a little three year old boy she hasn't seen in months. Her face lit up as she showed me pictures of him from her cell phone. She only gets to see him a few times a year but calls every day to talk to him. When I asked if she was going to work here forever she laughed and said no. "Only a few more months" she told me. Then she paused, "or maybe until January. When I have enought money, then I will quit." Many of the other girls said the same thing. A few more months, or until the end of the year. But Jom has been here two years.
Many of the girls have hope that one of their "boyfriends" as they call the men who purchase them, will fall in love with them and take them back to their country. The rumors of contracts growing into love fly fast and thick in the bars. Yet another cord the enemy uses to tie them there, since they are sure that the next customer will truly love them. When I asked one girl if I could pray for her, she nodded then asked me to pray that a rich white man would fall in love with her and want to take care of her and her small daughter.
It was easy to feel that we weren't making a difference, and to get discouraged. But when one girl left the bars and moved into SHE ministry while we were there, it put everything into perspective. I'd remember how Jesus views "His girls." They are SO beautiful to Him and He loves them so incredibly. He sees that they feel hopeless and trapped in their jobs with no way out, He knows their heartache and hurt and they pain they hold. And He loves them all the more for all the hurt they've lived through.
This month I learned that love is real. That hurts happen, but that forgiveness may be the single most powerful thing on this planet.
(ps - much love and thanks to everyone who has supported me this year. You are AWESOME! =]
I'm still in need of $1,400 so if you'd like to help, please click here).
Its past midnight and of course I'm still awake. Ask any of my teammates...I'm a night owl ;)
I've been thinking a lot about the race this past week and everything that I've learned in the 10 1/2 months I was gone. I've officially been "home" a week now and it just feels odd. On one hand, everything is familiar. I know exactly where I am at all times (not a norm on the WR ;) My friends and family are the same. The grocery stores and malls are the same.
One of my biggest fears in leaving was that I was going to get back and everything would be different. People would forget me and I'd be alone, but that hasn't happened at all. Instead, I'm realizing that its me that has changed.
Outwardly I look pretty much the same except for my haircut (and a couple extra pounds courtesy of Africa. ;)
Inside however, I am completely changed. God has done an incredible work in my life this year....which is something I'll have to write about in another blog since I'm getting sleepy =]
She didn't particularly stand out in the group of kids, until I looked at her up close.
She
was dirty, had scars up her arms which looked like cigarett burns. Her
hair was tangled and messy. On her face she had a huge red mark and a
swolen lip. Later I would find out that she was 10 years old. From her
size you would have guessed 8 or younger.
We got to minister to
a group of kids the other day. Shelter kids. All either from the
streets, or pulled from abusive situations.
I couldn't speak her
language and she couldn't speak mine. I sat next to her on the hard,
dirty concrete and put my arm around her small shoulders.
She flinched, and my heart was instantly broken.
We sat like that for most of the time. There were songs and dances. People
talked and snacks were handed out.
She
and I just sat together in silence. Through a translator I found out
her age and that her name was Thuan. Unless someone spoke directly to
her to ask a question she wouldn't make a sound. When she was
accidentally handed two snack packages, she handed one to me. Refusing
to keep it even when I tried to make her take it. She ate slowly,
almost as if she wanted
every bite to last an eternity.
As our time together progressed she warmed to me, but wouldn't smile no matter how hard I tried to make her laugh.
.
At the close of the scheduled program we had a time to play with the
kids at the playground. Thuan just stood by me for a few minutes before
finally walking toward a slide. Climbing the stairs slowly, she reached
the top and looked down for me. I smiled and waved at her to come down.
As she came down the slide I saw something for the first time.
Sorry i never posted this. But i'm prettttty technologically challenged and didn't know how to post it. haha so...here it is! (better late than never...right :)
Here is the video of the church and people that we spent our time with in Uganda. Please watch this and if you feel led, donate to the cause and regardless, please remember the people of Pader and Victory Outreach Church in your prayers.
Sooooo...there's something I've been thinking about for quite a while. Ever since I saw "Batman Begins." =] There is a line in the movie where one of the characters says that its not who we are on the inside, but what we do that defines us. I initally hated that idea. I thought it was stupid....I mean, who really believes that? Its who I am internally that really defines me... Right?
But after further contemplation I think I might be wrong...
When someone kills another human we call him a murderer. If someone steals they are called a thief. In everyday life, people are defined by what they do. However I feel like a lot of the things most of us do in life are mixed up. We eat the extra piece of chocolate cake we don't need and shouldn't have...then lie to ourselves about the extra five pounds we gained. We plan to workout, then watch a movie. We intend to start studying early, only to end up cramming the night before a test.
I know I should be doing more for Jesus, but I am content to check my bible reading off and call it a day. After all, it says in Gal. 2:15 "We know that a man is not justified by works, but by faith in Jesus Christ" So even if i'm not DOING everything I know I should, I'm saved. It only matters who I am on the inside. I can call myself a good christian....cause, well, inside I am right? It doesn't really matter that outwardly I do all the things I don't want to do, and the things I want to do....I don't do. Even Paul recognized this when he wrote that "nothing good " lies within us. He says "For what I want to do, I dont do. And what I don't want to do, I do."
My only consolation for how I was living my life was the thought that on the inside I was a better person than I actually acted. And if people only knew what I was inside, they'd see that my intentions are good. Or maybe if things were just better overall. Easier. If I hadn't had the things happen if my life that did. If my childhood were different. If the messed-up pieces of my life suddenly fell into place. THEN I would be on the outside everything that I believe I am on the inside.
Which allowed me to let myself feel better overall about the shortcomings in life.
Lame.
Honestly, if i lived like I was defined by what I did...I'd be a lottttt more careful. I wouldn't have a crutch to lean on
anymore. I would be the ONLY one responsible for what I did for Christ and how my life ended up. I wouldn't have any more excuses for what I do or don't do. Nobody and nothing to blame. And I think thats why I originally hated that movie line.. It made me think, and I guess I don't want to be responsible. At my most basic level, I suppose I really want my shortcomings in life to be something or someone elses' fault.
...just as long as they're not mine.
So I guess I both agree and disagree with the movie. I think that yes, we are responsible for our actions in life, but as a christian, I need to depend on God for strength and not rely upon myself. God wants us to not only be hearers of the word, but doers as well. Yes, I am saved. I am a child of the King. But, that doesn't excuse me from actually, physically, following Him. James 2:22 says "His (Abraham's) faith and actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did"
Apart from God, I have a lot of ideas and intentions. I want to do a lot of "good" things..and sometimes I can muster up
enough energy to do them. But in the end, I always seem to come back where to I started. Romans 7:18 says "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out" This trip for instance. Here I am, in Africa. Doing what most people would call a "good" thing. I'm helping widows, orphans.. preaching Jesus' love. But without God, its all a bunch of fluff. And honestly, can get pretty hard. I can grit my teeth and smile. Trying to make it through another day when its a million degrees outside. All the while wishing I were in my air-conditioning back home, or I can truly see these people as God sees them. And serve them with HIS love, instead of mine.
I guess in all boils down to one of my favorite verses..Gal 5:6 "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"
Just thought Ied let you all know what I'm up to these days. So we're in the beautiful country of Tanzania in a town called Iringa. First time in quite a while that we've had internet. We're staying with a pastor called Chacha (awesome huh? ;])
We teach the kids group, speak at the womens group, visit the elderly , visit hospitals and pray for people there. We went to an orphanage yesterday and were able to have some fun time as well as teaching a bible lesson. On sundays we have about four services (we call it our marathon day ;)
Mama Chacha is teaching me to cook so thats been awesome. Hopefully I'll be able to post some pics soon =]
Please continue to keep me in your prayers as I am 5400.00 short in having the money to complete this trip.
Coming in from the bright sunlight outside I am momentarily blinded. We have entered a small hut. Standard circular mud walls
with a thatched roof. Doorway so small you have to almost bend double to enter. Its cool in here. Standing out in the hot Ugandan sun feels like a million degrees, while the inside the huts only feel like 90. The smoky atmosphere makes my throat tickle as my eyes slowly begin to adjust.
I'm going door to door (or hut to hut i suppose ;) with Jen and Dan. We, (along with our interpreter) are inviting people to
church, telling people about the love of Jesus, and praying for any needs they might have.
Slowly I am able to make out a woman lying on nothing but a mat between her and the mud floor. A small pile of blankets
beside her. Grace attempts with obvious difficulty to sit up but we assure her we can talk with her lying down. Opposite her is
another woman, Beatrice. She is stirring porridge over a low fire. After talking for a few minutes we find that they are both
christians and we invite them to church. Before leaving we ask if there is anything we can pray for. Beatrice needs us to pray for
school fees for her children. Alice askes us to pray for her baby as i suddenly realize that the blankets beside her are holding a small
infant. She tells us that he was just born. Dan askes how many days ago. She answers rather nonchalantly....four hours.
Shocked, we ask what his name is. Grace and our intrpreter talk for a few minutes before we get the answer. She wants us
to name him! Excited, we start giving out names. Paul.. Caleb.. Her husband comes in, smiling at us broadly as we throw out
names. I give out one.. Joshua. She stops us and says yes. Thats the name she wants. Joshua. I ask her if she knows the story, she tells us she doesn't. So I tell the story of Joshua and how he was a mighty man of God. She smiles excitedly and sits up to show baby Joshua to us. He is soooo tiny and perfect. Little black ringlets of soft hair cover his head and his eyes are closed as he sleeps.
We pray over baby Joshua before leaving. SO excited for the added blessing God gave us today of naming one of his children =]
Please keep him in your prayers if you think of it =]
